How to network in a way that is attractive and not transactional
The benefits of networking are exalted in many online business publications. Some even say that it is crucial.
“Nothing can ever replace the opportunity to sit down with someone, have a cup of coffee and connect on a personal level,” Jacob Morgan expresses so perfectly in the Financial Times.
While sitting with Kenza Majbar over tea in the lobby of the Lausanne Palace, I found myself in awe of Kenza’s natural openness, joy, passion, and sense of purpose. She listened carefully to my questions and answered them without calculation.
Getting to know Kenza this way also helped me understand why her LinkedIn profile calls her a “serial networker” and why the marketing people at Internations — the largest global expat network — put me in contact with her.
Not only was this interview recommendation a clear endorsement of her skills as a networker, they’ve granted the 33-year-old telecommunications engineer the title of “Ambassador.” It’s a pretty big deal, as there are only four of them in Lausanne.
The Internations website says: “Ambassadors are natural networkers; they’re responsible for organizing large, monthly events for the whole community…” That’s true of Kenza, who plans a minimum of six events for the organization each year as a hobby, on top of her full-time job as an IT project manager at Swisscom.
Interestingly, her work and her pastime have something in common. At Swisscom, she creates telecommunications networks, a job that requires linking terminal nodes to enable signaling between terminals.
“It’s the same thing with humans,” she says with an infectious laugh. “And I just love connecting people.”
Kenza has discovered the benefits of networking on many occasions. One of these times was in Hong Kong, where she lived briefly and discovered Internations. There she learned the value of networking for personal reasons as she found herself alone — again — in a new city. Being without family and friends in a new city was something she had already experienced when she moved to Lausanne from Morocco. During that time, while attending the School of Business and Engineering Vaud, she struggled to make ends meet. To raise herself out of poverty, she worked on the side, babysitting and working at Migros.
But what catapulted her career was joining a local engineering association and exploring the networking opportunities it provided. “When I first arrived in the group, I felt intimidated. I only saw Swisscom managers… mostly men,” she says. “Over time, they gave me advice and mentored me, which opened a lot of doors.” By taking on projects and roles, and committing herself to her career, she soon became the association’s president.
She credits her determination and perseverance for her success. Did she have doubts? Sure, she says, but with the right mindset and spirit, she forged ahead.
Not only should professionals develop and maintain networks within their industries, they should do so outside of their usual circles as well. Dorie Clark — a consultant, coach, and author of entrepreneurial books — stresses the importance of networking outside of one’s usual industry in her Harvard Business Review article Start Networking with People Outside Your Industry.
“First, if your network has become too narrow, you limit your options in case of a career change, or a downturn in your company or industry. If coworkers are the only ones you know well, and you find yourself in the midst of layoffs, there’s no one to turn to for outside assistance.”
This is what an organization like Internations provides: the opportunity to meet all kinds of people from all walks of life.
It can feel like work, but not for Kenza. She values doing things for the love of doing them, even if they have no financial upside. Networking or doing work without expecting money often draws criticism from locals, though, Kenza says. “People think everything should be done for money, but I think it’s okay to give your time,” she says.
The experts agree. Not focusing on what others can do for you and staying patient are important skills, according to an online article by various coaches at Forbes.
“The best reason to build a professionally diverse network, however, isn’t about what you’ll get out of those relationships. It’s to fulfill personal curiosity and develop yourself as a person; professional or monetary ROI is a happy coincidence,” Dorie Clark writes.
And self-development is one of Kenza’s passions.
Personal Development
Though Kenza feels there is a lack of openness and personal development events in Lausanne, she says things are changing. “People are more and more open to personal development,” she says. “I want to open people’s spirits.”
As a matter of fact, she says that if she could change one thing, it would be to make the world more human. She believes in the healing power of laughter, which is why she runs Laughter Yoga sessions called “Intinceller de Rire.” She is also working on a project called the Wellness Alliance, the focus of which will be to create wellbeing salons to bring therapists and coaches together.
“People are too much in their heads. They forget to connect with their hearts,” she says.
One of the lessons she has learned is to ask for help and risk being oneself.
She thought at one point she should act strong and play a role, but this led to unhappiness. “It made me see that I wasn’t myself. It’s while being true to ourselves that we shine.”
Many wonder how a busy professional like Kenza fits everything into her day. “I work on setting priorities using a special planner,” she says. She also meditates and uses a life coach.
One of her goals is to write a book about her life, which is rich and colorful. After passing the naturalization test to become Swiss, the authorities asked her to help them assist others. Now she teaches courses to immigrants once monthly in Renens and encourages them to create their own networks.
Each year, during the week following Christmas, she organizes meals for the less fortunate. And when she is in her city of origin, Marrakesh, she organizes teas for the elderly.
She would like to bring a charitable component to the Internations events as well.
“I am fulfilled,” she says. “If you give, things come back to you.”
Kenza Majbar lives in Lausanne, Switzerland, and is a telecommunications engineer and IT project manager at Swisscom. In her free time, she serves as one of the Ambassadors at Internations, the largest global expat network operating in 390 cities worldwide. In her free time, Majbar also runs a Laughter Yoga program Intinceller de Rire and is working on a project called the Wellness Alliance, the focus of which will be to create wellbeing salons to bring therapists and coaches together.
How to really improve your health and mind-body connection
Aside from her Scottish accent and a smile that lights up the room, the first thing you notice about Nicky Donald is her warmth and authenticity. Then, as you get to know the super fit 47-year-old sports remedial massage therapist, personal trainer, yoga instructor, and qualified community education worker, you realize that there’s a lot more than meets the eye.
Nicky has worked in wellness for the past 27 years. This experience includes founding the massage business Vital Kneads and working for a five-star hotel in Gstaad. Her hotel tenure drew the attention of a private family that, among other things, drives for the Formula One circuit. She now works for them as a personal trainer and massage therapist.
But all of the glitz has not changed Nicky, whose sense of humor and down-to-earth attitude remain.
“And I’m a Nutribullet enthusiast!” she says laughing.
Health and fitness is not just a profession for Nicky; it’s also a hobby. This explains why she and her husband moved from Scotland to Switzerland seven years ago. (By the way, her husband is the novelist and up-and-coming filmmaker Jason Donald.)
“We came here, because it enabled us to mix business with pleasure,” Nicky says. “We both love mountain biking, snowboarding, hiking, and paddleboarding. Moving is apparently something that I just do. As a child, I never sat still. As soon as my parents blinked, I was gone!”
Nicky credits her parents with fueling her lifelong interest in athletics by encouraging her to participate in sports at an early age. As a young child, she competed in gymnastics and synchronized swimming at the national level. Competing at such a high level was tough, sometimes requiring massage and physiotherapy to aid in recovery from training and injury.
“This experience fueled my belief in therapeutic touch and my fascination with the mind-body connection, health and healing. All of this led to my professional training.”
The following are some of her tips for health.
1. How should someone who is out of shape start?
Slowly!
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is doing too much, too soon. They buy expensive gym memberships that they don’t use, train too intensely and become demotivated by pain, or get overwhelmed by unfamiliar and sometimes intimidating fitness environments. Going from inactive to fit does not happen overnight. Like most things in life, baby steps are good!
I advise people to start from a place of self-love, not self-depreciation. The first step is a mental decision to want to create change in your life regarding your health. That’s a great thing! Valuing yourself to want to make positive change is a strong foundation upon which to build. Getting really clear on what that means for you is vital, and helps create realistic (SMART) goals that you want to achieve.
This can be done on your own or, if you would like some support, with the help of a coach or personal trainer. But all change comes from within. You need to know your own motivation. A series of small changes actually results in big changes in the end, rather than a spike of good intention and then an abandonment of commitment.
2. How can busy professionals fit training into their days?
The number one reason/excuse for not taking part in training is: “I don’t have time.” However, we all know that if you really want to do something, you can make it happen. You might have to be creative, or make sacrifices somewhere else, but if training is one of your priorities, if it is really important to you, it will happen. The perception of not having enough time is normally a more accurate indication of a lack of interest in or enjoyment of the training, or not being committed to the training activity itself.
One of my friends is a busy single mum with two young children. She juggles three part-time jobs, and not only does she find time to take her kids to their activities, she finds time for her own fitness classes as well. Why? Because despite feeling tired sometimes, she knows that her training helps her sleep better. She prioritizes some of her own needs and gains enjoyment from it.
So, if you hear yourself saying that you don’t have time, take a good look at this belief and what the demands on your time actually are. If training truly is one of your priorities, choose to make it happen with good goal setting, time management and support.
Some simple tips can also help, depending on your goals. For instance, save time by doing resistance and cardio training at home using your own body weight. Or choose a gym on the way to your office and go at lunchtime or before work. You can also double up activities like spending time with family/friends whilst going for a bike ride.
How about trying a walking meeting, taking all phone calls standing up at your desk, walking to work, or always taking the stairs rather than the elevator?
3. How much of weight loss is exercise and how much is food?
That really depends on the person, what his or her body is like, and what exercise they do. Every individual has what’s called a resting metabolic rate (RMR), which is basically the amount of energy/calories your body needs just for basic function. Several factors will influence this resting rate, such as body composition. Two people who do the same job, get the same amount of exercise, and eat the same amount of food, can have a different experience of weight loss or weight gain. This can be due to factors such as how much muscle tone they have, as muscles themselves require and burn more energy.
The basic rule of thumb for weight loss is calories in (through food) must be less than calories burned everyday (through RMR, training and other activity). The type of calories you are consuming, the intensity of your training, and other factors will also affect how much weight you lose.
4. What’s the biggest mistake people make with their diets?
Portion control. Eating a balanced diet in appropriate proportions is essential for health.
More on attitudes to food/nutrition: Often when we think about food/nutrition, we think in terms of calories, diets and weight. This approach is not enough. Our focus needs to be on nurturing. Seeing nutrition for what it actually is: fuel. Just as you put the best quality fuel in a car to ensure performance, we need to put the best quality food into our bodies as fuel for performance too.
Food is nourishment. But sadly, often the nutritional value of the food we consume is often lacking the basic components that will add to our energy supply. And even worse, what we consume can deplete our energy supply, as the body has to work even harder to break down unwanted substances and remove them from our bodies.
Processed foods promote inflammation, drain energy from the body, and can aggravate several health conditions. Many common problematic health conditions have an underlying inflammation basis. Some foods promote inflammation; while others prevent it. We can all choose what we put into our bodies by seeing food as fuel, not treats.
We need a balanced diet that is composed of real food, not something processed and served out of a packet! Fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds are things that have the vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients that our bodies need to create and give us energy.
5. What’s the biggest mistake people make with training?
Having poor form and technique, leading to injury or pain
6. How often should someone go to the gym? How often should I work out or lift weights? Would you agree people should exercise 20 to 60 minutes, three to five days a week for health/fitness promotion (ACSM 1995)?
Hmmmmm… It all depends on your goals, and your definition of training!
For health — which is often not the real reason people go to the gym — the type of training that takes place during these 30 minutes of “exercise” depends on each individual’s fitness starting point and goals.
What does “30 minutes of exercise” mean to a gym bunny or a couch potato? The reality of “training” can look radically different to different individuals.
Exercise can also be more general movement, such as walking to work rather than taking the car, or going to the gym to lift weights.
For me it comes back to intention and goals. If all you want is to be skinny or to “look good naked,” as prescribed by the glossy magazines, this requires some serious structured training, sacrifices and a strict diet. Six-pack abs and a toned butt do not come for free!
But if your goal is heart and mind health, training can take many — often more enjoyable — forms.
Training, for example, includes recovery. Imagine someone who is totally stressed out, overstretched to the max, and juggling a whole host of responsibilities. Then, on top of everything else, you add the burdened belief that he or she also needs to “train” to lose weight, to be “good enough”… that person is heading for a breakdown!
We all need to be aware of: our starting points, what demands we have on our time and resources, and how much energy we are willing — and what is appropriate — to expend in “training.”
We only have one source of energy to draw from for all the demands of our lives. Sometimes we need to rest, rather than train, to have the strength and reserves to cope with the demands of daily living.
7. When is the best time to exercise?
When it works for you!
We are all different, and we all have different needs and responses to exercise. Personally, I like to exercise first thing in the morning before I get washed and ready for my day. Other people prefer to exercise after work and enjoy the “me time” feeling of working out after a hard day at the office.
I loved the advice I heard from a colleague who works for the organization Hintsa. She said: “If exercise is something you do ‘after work’ then consider changing your thinking! Exercise is the reason you can do hours of work! It keeps you healthy and gives you energy. Exercise should be calculated as part of your ‘working hours,’ not considered part of your ‘leisure time’ or something you try to do after you are already exhausted from ‘work.’”
Unless you are an elite athlete pursuing mastery of your craft by pushing and dedicating yourself to grueling training regimes, it’s all about understanding what works for you.
For example, a lot of people find it too stimulating to exercise just before bed, finding that it affects their sleep. But there is an exception to every rule!
8. Is there such a thing as the best exercise for weight loss? Such as running?
Not really. Intensity, frequency and pace do matter. But working in fat-burning zones, ventilatory threshold (VT) zones, creating after-burn, efficient exercise approaches, cardiovascular, cardiorespiratory, or resistance training… This is all fitness jargon!
It’s the job of personal trainers to understand the science of exercise, and to be able to create and communicate appropriate exercise programs for their clients. But the bottom line is that all movement counts! It doesn’t matter if you are sweating due to scrubbing and cleaning your windows or sweating on a treadmill. If you are using and moving your body, you will burn calories, which promotes weight loss.
One thing to bear in mind for weight loss is the fact that the more muscle you have, the more calories the muscle itself burns for you. So, weight training or resistance training can be advantageous for weight loss, not just cardio, like running.
9. What should you look for in a gym?
Hygiene and safety first!
Is the gym well-maintained and in good working order? Gyms can be one of the worst places to pick up bugs, if they are not properly cleaned after use. Hygiene is vitally important.
Injury can also occur. And you can get very frustrated if the gym space has a poor set up.
In addition, if you want to go regularly to a gym, make sure it offers the activities that you like doing. Does it have a pool? Do they offer group classes? Does it have opening hours that match your schedule? Etc.
10. Anything else?
Sleep is vitally important for recovery of the brain, and therefore, body functions.
We all need good sleep if we want to demand more from our bodies and minds.
Schedule sleep/rest/recovery into your “training program.” We remember to recharge our cell phones every night, so why is it that we often don’t value the need to recharge our bodies too?
Born in Scotland, Nicky Donald lives in Switzerland with her husband, author Jason Donald. She has been in the wellness field for the past 27 years. Her brand, Vital Kneads, encompasses her wellbeing offering. She is a qualified community education worker, personal trainer, Yoga Alliance instructor, sports and remedial massage therapist, and Nutribullet enthusiast! She works for a private family involved in Formula One race car driving as a personal trainer and massage therapist. Nicky will be running a Swing Dance and Yoga weekend retreat in Switzerland later in 2018. Anyone interested can contact vitalkneads@hotmail.co.uk for more details.
Want to attract happy healthy people? Strengthen your boundaries
You might be suffering from weak personal boundaries if you experience the following: You find yourself surrounded by needy or disrespectful people. You put out fires constantly ? You feel drained and exhausted?
So what is a boundary?
A “boundary” is another word for limit. A personal boundary is a limit you can set on what you will accept of another person’s words or actions.
Boundaries protect the self. Often they are described as imaginary lines around the self to define the area that is needed to fully express oneself. Boundaries help us define who we are and who we are not.
“Boundaries bring order to our lives,” Ann Katherine writes in her book Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. “As we learn to strengthen our boundaries, we gain a clearer sense of ourselves and our relationship to others. Boundaries empower us to determine how we’ll be treated by others. With good boundaries, we can have the wonderful assurance that comes from knowing we can and will protect ourselves from the ignorance, meanness, or thoughtlessness of others.”
“Healthy boundaries protect without isolating, contain without imprisoning, and preserve identity while permitting external connections. Good boundaries make good neighbors.”
What are the two types of boundary violations?
The author identifies two types of boundary violations: intrusion or distance.
When someone crosses a physical or emotional boundary, such as incest, or they force people to believe or think as they do, that’s an intrusion violation.
When someone withholds intimacy, such as when a parent doesn’t hold his or her baby, or if someone ignores his or her spouse or partner, that’s a distance violation.
Uncomfortable conversations
Talking about boundaries can be uncomfortable for multiple reasons. One reason is that there are many misconceptions about boundaries. For one, boundaries are not meant to control others. They are only meant to protect the self. In most cases and depending on the severity of the situation, boundaries are not rigid walls. Another reason why the subject of boundaries is difficult for many to handle, is that they bring to mind a variety of issues, ranging anywhere from whether or not to tolerate gossip to protecting the self from physical or sexual abuse. It’s hard to set and maintain boundaries, especially if no one has taught us. It is beyond challenging to learn to do so, if someone has violated our boundaries at the deepest levels early on. If we struggle with unresolved childhood trauma or fear abandonment and rejection, setting and maintaining boundaries can and often do feel near impossible. This is when hiring a therapist is needed.
Common boundary issues
Boundary violations don’t have to be extreme in nature to impact us negatively. Often, it’s the small stuff we tolerate that wears us down and stops us from having the quality of life we would like.
People often struggle to set appropriate boundaries when it comes to time and materials — so our boundaries in these areas might be weak at first. For example:
Do you struggle to say “no”? Do you say “yes” when you want to say “no”?
Do you commit to one project after another?
Do your kids use you as a carrier, problem-solver, or maid?
In a similar vein, our emotional or heart boundaries might feel weak when we first start to practice them:
Does a loved one tell you you’re stupid or put you down?
Does someone use jokes or sarcasm towards you (perhaps not intending to be hurtful), but you feel hurt nonetheless?
Does someone (like your spouse) constantly judge you, criticize you, or give you unsolicited advice?”
And as with the use of any new muscle, our capacity to exercise healthy boundaries in our spirit will probably also feel weak at first:
Do you subject yourself to disrespect or profanity from people?
Do you accept listening to gossip from others?
Do you engage in debates and feel the need to prove a point, even when you know you won’t convince someone else to change their thinking?
The following strategies should enable you to strengthen your capacity to set boundaries:
Time and materials: Practice saying “no.” Try saying no to your friends who love you and support you.
Heart: Teach people how to treat you. Write down what you will say to them, such as: “When you called me xyz, I felt hurt. It is not okay to say that to me.”
Spirit: Stop engaging in draining conversations that deplete who you are. Avoid places that damage the spirit.
These and other strategies can be useful to work on using the help of a coach. As you strengthen your boundaries, you will start to attract people who, like you, are healthy.
Everyone can make small incremental improvements with their personal management of boundaries, but if you’re struggling to achieve the level of improvement you feel you need, there could be some deeper obstacles preventing change. If you don’t feel that you’re entitled to boundaries, if it’s a new concept or one that feels difficult to implement, think about seeking the help of a therapist. They’re trained and qualified to help identify and address any underlying issues that have held you back so far.
Three formidable steps to make a fantastic first impression
The usual advice we hear about making a good first impression — aside from dressing well — is to plan what we are going to say ahead of time, and to practice it until the words become second nature.
Transformational coach Alain Wolf begs to differ. In his new best-selling book Develop Amazing Social Skills and Connect with People, he outlines a different approach, which focuses more on authenticity and desired emotions, and less about what people should say.
“Firstly, understand that words are 7% of communication,” he says. “93% is non-verbal. Ask yourself: ‘What do I want to feel?’ Instead of: ‘What should I say?’ People remember how they feel. Emotions are stronger than words. If you focus on being positive and confident, your body language will be aligned with that.”
So you give off the impression you intend to convey by focusing on the desired emotion. It’s automatic.
“The second step is not trying to become someone else,” Wolf continues. “People will see through it. Authenticity is knowing who you are and knowing how to communicate that to others. Think about your past. What worked? Can you repeat this?”
And don’t overthink it.
“The third step is to start the car — people don’t remember the initial interaction. Take action. This decreases your fear of approaching the person.”
Jump in and make that first interaction. Wolf elaborates on this step in his book and in his classes on communication skills, assertiveness, goal-setting and influence.
Based in his native city of Lausanne, Switzerland, Wolf worked as a life coach for the past five years. In that time, he’s helped 100,000 people in 173 countries with one-to-one coaching, online training and live events. Only two weeks after his book’s publication, the National Academy of Best Selling Authors recognized his book as having “best-selling status” based on public lists.
Wolf’s enthusiasm and warmth are palpable. When asked what got him into coaching, Wolf says it was his “gift and skill.”
“I had to accept to share it with the world.”
Thinking about the “impact he can have on humanity” is the thing that gets him out of bed each morning. He says the routine that follows is the most important thing he does each day. He begins with a gratitude ritual. Wolf asks himself specific questions to remind him of his purpose. He’s energized in the process. Powerful questions — such as: “why am I coaching?” — help him reconnect with why he is doing what he is doing. These questions — which are reminiscent of Tony Robbins’s Morning Power Questions in his book Awaken the Giant Within — get him excited about his day and put him in a good positive state. Wolf is a fan of Tony’s and plans to attend one of his live events this year.
He has always had a desire to help. Growing up, he wanted to be a veterinarian to help animals. Later, he wanted to be a lawyer to bring “justice to the world.”
He wasn’t always the confident, well-spoken, dynamic connector we see today. He used to stutter and was afraid of social situations. One severe bout of social anxiety kept him home from school for six weeks, when he was an adolescent.
He credits his best childhood friend for giving him the strength, inspiration and motivation to change his life. He attributes some of that to his parents as well. For Wolf, the combination of an ambitious father and an optimistic mother was key.
“We are, after all, the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Wolf grins at me.
He tells me what got him to where he is now is an “incredible, delusional faith” in himself.
Delusional or not, it’s given Wolf the confidence needed to speak in front of large audiences. A few years ago, he addressed a crowd of 500 in Geneva.
He doesn’t do it all alone, though. He works with coaches.
Wolf’s sense of self-responsibility plays a factor. “Firstly, I believe everything happens for a reason. In every problem, there is an opportunity. Life doesn’t just happen to you. It happens for you. This is my mantra. Secondly, you are in control of your feelings and you are capable of changing anything and transforming your difficult emotions if you know how to do it. Thirdly, just do it. Action!”
His biggest wish is to have people “understand or be aware that they can become who they want to be. There are tools and strategies that can transform their lives.”
Wolf plans his live events, coaches his clients, creates online classes, works out, and spends time with his partner. How does he have time for it all? He makes time.
“Do two things at once. Work out with a personal trainer who is also your coach. Combine meals and walks with a coaching session. It has to be a priority. Nowadays if you don’t improve yourself, you’ll be left behind.”
Wolf stresses that action is required in order to make meaningful change. That’s the thing clients forget. “They think that just by knowing, that’s enough. They don’t put into action what they know. For example, they go back to the old grumpy partner or family member who is putting them down.”
Which brings us to another tricky part: the people closest to us might love us, but when you start to make changes, often they resist those changes.
“You’ve changed the rules of the game.” They might criticize or sabotage your efforts to improve. Resistance escalates. You give in. They’ve been successful. You’ve acquiesced.
And that’s why many people give up. Perhaps with the help of a coach, they could find the support and encouragement required to push forward.
He brings it back full circle.
“Approach someone whom you’ve always wanted to talk to or start an introduction with a total stranger. The best time is right now. That’s all there is.”