Three formidable steps to make a fantastic first impression

The usual advice we hear about making a good first impression — aside from dressing well — is to plan what we are going to say ahead of time, and to practice it until the words become second nature.

Transformational coach Alain Wolf begs to differ. In his new best-selling book Develop Amazing Social Skills and Connect with People, he outlines a different approach, which focuses more on authenticity and desired emotions, and less about what people should say.

“Firstly, understand that words are 7% of communication,” he says. “93% is non-verbal. Ask yourself: ‘What do I want to feel?’ Instead of: ‘What should I say?’ People remember how they feel. Emotions are stronger than words. If you focus on being positive and confident, your body language will be aligned with that.”

So you give off the impression you intend to convey by focusing on the desired emotion. It’s automatic.

“The second step is not trying to become someone else,” Wolf continues. “People will see through it. Authenticity is knowing who you are and knowing how to communicate that to others. Think about your past. What worked? Can you repeat this?”

And don’t overthink it.

“The third step is to start the car — people don’t remember the initial interaction. Take action. This decreases your fear of approaching the person.”

Jump in and make that first interaction. Wolf elaborates on this step in his book and in his classes on communication skills, assertiveness, goal-setting and influence.

Based in his native city of Lausanne, Switzerland, Wolf worked as a life coach for the past five years. In that time, he’s helped 100,000 people in 173 countries with one-to-one coaching, online training and live events. Only two weeks after his book’s publication, the National Academy of Best Selling Authors recognized his book as having “best-selling status” based on public lists.

Wolf’s enthusiasm and warmth are palpable. When asked what got him into coaching, Wolf says it was his “gift and skill.”

“I had to accept to share it with the world.”

Thinking about the “impact he can have on humanity” is the thing that gets him out of bed each morning. He says the routine that follows is the most important thing he does each day. He begins with a gratitude ritual. Wolf asks himself specific questions to remind him of his purpose. He’s energized in the process. Powerful questions — such as: “why am I coaching?” — help him reconnect with why he is doing what he is doing. These questions — which are reminiscent of Tony Robbins’s Morning Power Questions in his book Awaken the Giant Within — get him excited about his day and put him in a good positive state. Wolf is a fan of Tony’s and plans to attend one of his live events this year.

He has always had a desire to help. Growing up, he wanted to be a veterinarian to help animals. Later, he wanted to be a lawyer to bring “justice to the world.”

He wasn’t always the confident, well-spoken, dynamic connector we see today. He used to stutter and was afraid of social situations. One severe bout of social anxiety kept him home from school for six weeks, when he was an adolescent.

He credits his best childhood friend for giving him the strength, inspiration and motivation to change his life. He attributes some of that to his parents as well. For Wolf, the combination of an ambitious father and an optimistic mother was key.

“We are, after all, the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Wolf grins at me.

He tells me what got him to where he is now is an “incredible, delusional faith” in himself.

Delusional or not, it’s given Wolf the confidence needed to speak in front of large audiences. A few years ago, he addressed a crowd of 500 in Geneva.

He doesn’t do it all alone, though. He works with coaches.

Wolf’s sense of self-responsibility plays a factor. “Firstly, I believe everything happens for a reason. In every problem, there is an opportunity. Life doesn’t just happen to you. It happens for you. This is my mantra. Secondly, you are in control of your feelings and you are capable of changing anything and transforming your difficult emotions if you know how to do it. Thirdly, just do it. Action!”

His biggest wish is to have people “understand or be aware that they can become who they want to be. There are tools and strategies that can transform their lives.”

Wolf plans his live events, coaches his clients, creates online classes, works out, and spends time with his partner. How does he have time for it all? He makes time.

“Do two things at once. Work out with a personal trainer who is also your coach. Combine meals and walks with a coaching session. It has to be a priority. Nowadays if you don’t improve yourself, you’ll be left behind.”

Wolf stresses that action is required in order to make meaningful change. That’s the thing clients forget. “They think that just by knowing, that’s enough. They don’t put into action what they know. For example, they go back to the old grumpy partner or family member who is putting them down.”

Which brings us to another tricky part: the people closest to us might love us, but when you start to make changes, often they resist those changes.

“You’ve changed the rules of the game.” They might criticize or sabotage your efforts to improve. Resistance escalates. You give in. They’ve been successful. You’ve acquiesced.

And that’s why many people give up. Perhaps with the help of a coach, they could find the support and encouragement required to push forward.

He brings it back full circle.

“Approach someone whom you’ve always wanted to talk to or start an introduction with a total stranger. The best time is right now. That’s all there is.”