The hidden struggle: understanding addiction in privileged families

Part 4 of 5: Beyond the Golden Ghetto

Happy New Year! The following post was not easy to write because some of it triggered troubling memories and filled me with fear. Yet these are stories that need to be told—stories about addiction, privilege, and the price of keeping up appearances.

During this past holiday season, I discovered Wim Wenders' film "Perfect Days." It’s the story of Hirayama, a Tokyo toilet cleaner who escaped his family’s life of privilege, abuse, and addiction by embracing simplicity, routine, and mindfulness. His journey mirrors a troubling reality: according to a 2017 Arizona State University study, young adults from affluent backgrounds are two to three times more likely to develop drug or alcohol addiction compared to national averages. This piece explores the unique pressures, enabling factors, and hidden struggles that fuel addiction in privileged families—and offers paths toward healing.

The perfect storm

The weight of legacy

Like Hirayama, whose wealthy sister is startled by his modest lifestyle, many from privileged families grapple with the burden of expectations and identity. Having descended from a great-great-grandfather's railroad fortune and an ancestor who wrote Harvard's mathematics curriculum, I've felt this weight firsthand. I also had a client who was William V, carrying the weight of being the fifth in his family line to bear the name. It was expected for him to take over the family business, but the combination of genetics, stress, sarcastic shaming and belittling at the dinner table, and feeling invisible as a child led to a life of treatment centers and regrets. The pressure to match or surpass previous generations' achievements can be crushing. While Hirayama finds peace in simplicity, many turn to substances or workaholism as coping mechanisms.

Performance at any cost

The pursuit of perfection in affluent communities often exacts a devastating toll. Students turn to stimulants to maintain impossible academic standards—I took caffeine pills in high school to power through late-night papers. Recently, one client's son, who abused ADHD medication to study, began using marijuana to manage his mounting anxiety. He ultimately required treatment for both addiction and mental health issues. Another client's husband, a tech entrepreneur, would rage at his wife and children if the house was less than perfect when he came home from work, as if a less than pristine environment would reveal his inner turmoil. He later left his wife for an employee, and his company went into bankruptcy—a stark reminder that the facade of perfection often masks deeper instabilities.

The isolation of privilege

Social isolation can be devastating when wealth creates barriers to authentic connection. One client described losing a friendship after her friend saw the inside of her elegant home: "It was as if my house told her everything she needed to know about me."

I understand this alienation—at age eleven, I moved to an estate on Newport's mansion row, Bellevue Avenue. As a European transplant entering this world in my pre-teens, I felt like a perpetual outsider. With frequent moves, private schools, and boarding schools, my children and I have experienced a profound sense of rootlessness and disconnection. Our social circles span various locations, leaving us searching for a true sense of belonging—what many refer to as Adult Third Culture Kid (ATCK) syndrome.

Books and piano became my refuge until adolescence, when I discovered that tobacco and alcohol could buy social acceptance at parties and boarding school. They became the one common denominator. For many, substances—whether alcohol, marijuana, or prescription stimulants—offer a similar escape. As one friend shared, “alcohol gave me wings; but eventually it took away the sky.”

The glamour trap

In many affluent circles, indulgence and excess are mistaken for sophistication, reinforcing harmful behaviors that lead to addiction. One client's father marked her return from rehab with champagne, triggering a life-threatening relapse. Was this mere ignorance, deliberate sabotage, or maintaining appearances?

Hollywood amplifies the glorification of substances and hyper-sexualization. Consider Marilyn Monroe's telling line in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes": "Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty?" Such cultural pressures often fuel addictive behaviors, creating a cycle of escapism and emotional emptiness. The connection runs deep—more than 40% of people with a relationship or sex addiction also struggle with substance abuse.

As Bernie Taupin captured in "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road," seeing through wealth's illusions can be sobering, but for those who remain in the penthouse: "It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics, to set you on your feet again."

The enable and shield pattern

Affluent families often enable addiction by shielding children from consequences. Parents hire attorneys to make legal troubles disappear and pay DUI fines without hesitation. Crashed cars are simply replaced with new ones. The absence of financial pressure means no urgency to get up and go to work. Some expensive rehabs might seem beneficial, but many fail to address the underlying causes of addiction. Meanwhile, money allows individuals to maintain a veneer of functionality despite serious substance abuse.

This enabling extends to what Dr. Paul Hokemeyer calls "hyper-agency"—the ability to literally fly away from problems. When things get painful, wealthy individuals can simply jump on a jet and leave, never dealing with the underlying issues. In recovery circles, we call these escape attempts "geographicals," but money makes them particularly effortless and frequent.

Access becomes effortless. In my own home, my mother's wine cellar was constantly replenished for frequent entertaining. Even more telling was my friend's grandmother—a Newport blue blood—who kept the liquor store delivery number at the top of her house's emergency contact list.

The pattern starts early. In the luxury ski resort of Gstaad, boarding school students spending their winters at the school's winter campus are equipped with their fathers' black American Express cards, checking out of dorms to party all weekend in hotel suites. One nine-year-old we knew had never been on a "public" airplane and went helicopter skiing each weekend. Such early exposure to extreme privilege can distort children's sense of reality and boundaries.

The mental health-trauma connection

Content warning: This section discusses sexual abuse and trauma

Addiction in affluent communities often intertwines with mental health challenges, as Jessie O'Neill explores in "The Golden Ghetto." These challenges frequently stem from what Joyce LeBeau termed the "silver-spoon syndrome"—a prioritization of public image over private well-being. The consequences are severe: chronic depression, emotional emptiness, lack of empathy, and an obsessive pursuit of pleasure, all fueled by the belief that money can fix anything.

Within this culture of image maintenance lies a darker reality: the prevalence of sexual abuse. One experienced therapist observed a higher incidence of sexual abuse in aristocratic families, noting how children become conditioned to associate love with secrecy and shame. This pattern often begins with having to hide affection for non-biological caregivers, creating a foundation where blurred boundaries become normalized.

Gloria Steinem, as cited in O'Neill's work, provides a chilling insight: "As a man's financial worth increases, so does his perceived power and his sense of ownership of women—a noblesse oblige among men, if you will... there is more reluctance within the legal system to punish those at fault when they are surrounded by the increased protection of wealth."

This toxic combination of shame, secrecy, and entitlement creates perfect conditions for abuse to flourish. One client's story illustrates this pattern: After losing her father, she endured sexual abuse from her aristocratic stepfather while her mother busied herself with entertaining and her new family. When she finally expressed her pain about being cast aside, her mother responded with mockery, choosing to protect her image rather than acknowledge her daughter's trauma. Even after achieving long-term sobriety, she continues to struggle with feelings of despair.

Asking for help

Stigma surrounding addiction runs particularly deep in image-conscious families. In one devastating case, a husband preferred letting people believe his wife's overdose was an accident—or even that he was responsible—rather than acknowledging the truth of addiction. Such denial and stigma prevent families from taking action until it's too late.

Watch for these warning signs:

• Preoccupation with substances or behaviors

• Persistent cravings

• Withdrawal symptoms during attempts to stop

• Deteriorating relationships

• Mounting negative consequences (health, legal, financial)

If you're concerned about your own or a loved one's substance use or mental health, reach out to the Arise Network, find a therapist who specializes in addiction, or connect with support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon. Prioritize your own well-being through exercise, mindfulness, breathwork, hobbies, and maintaining connections. You don't have to navigate this journey alone.

Finding our own ‘Perfect Days’

Recovery in affluent communities extends beyond mere abstinence—it's about discovering, as Hirayama did, that a meaningful life emerges from embracing simplicity, routine, and presence. You might find contentment in observing sunlight filtering through leaves, engaging in acts of service, or enjoying quiet moments between events.

Like Hirayama's journey in "Perfect Days," try this Two Weeks of Presence exercise:

1. Document your daily routines (morning, lunch, evening, night)

2. Select two habits you typically rush through

3. Practice full engagement, free from distractions

4. Observe your physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts

5. Keep a brief daily journal of your experiences

True transformation comes not from wealth or status, but from finding meaning in connection, authenticity, and life's simple joys. Recovery is not just survival—it is rediscovering the beauty of living.

P.S. I write all my blog posts myself. But I use AI to help correct grammar and spelling mistakes once I've finished. Since you've taken time to read this, I think it's important for you to know.

You can use the chat below to share your process, or I invite you to learn more about my coaching practice. Currently, I’m all booked up, but I’ll be opening a few spots for new clients soon. If you’d like to join the waitlist and be the first to know when spots become available, click here to sign up.

Living authentically: trusting yourself in a world that judges

Part 3 of 5: Beyond the Golden Ghetto

In college, I loved reading Thomas Mann's "Clothes Make the Man." This short story follows a character who, by wearing elegant clothes, is mistaken for a nobleman. But his charade unravels, and he’s humiliated when his true identity is revealed.

Ironically, I lived the inverse while living in the Swiss Alps: I wore trekking clothes and tried to hide any signs of wealth to avoid judgment.

The fear of appearing arrogant was one factor. Learning about my father’s world was another. My father had been a mountain guide who had painted houses, coached hockey, and worked as a lumberjack and stunt man in a James Bond movie (a Pitz Gloria guard). While some might have distanced themselves from their humble roots, I took pride in mine.

But pride didn’t shield me from reality.

Early warnings

People tried to warn me. My Swiss lawyer advised: "Don't reveal anything personal to your neighbors." A child psychologist added, 'You’ll never fully integrate into the community.'

Initially, I dismissed these warnings as elitist and small-minded, and lacking generosity of spirit. I didn’t yet understand that privacy wasn't about superiority—it was a defense against the gossip and judgment that thrive in a small, tight-knit community. I also didn’t understand that my lifestyle would be seen as a threat to those who struggled to make ends meet.

At the time, I brushed it off, determined to make it work.

Disappearing to fit in

I convinced myself that appearing modest was the right choice. Having just received a settlement from my family trust, I felt an even stronger urge to downplay my circumstances. But no matter how much I tried to blend in, I couldn't shield my family from the repercussions of our lifestyle choices. When I bought my children new bikes or bought flights to the US to visit family—or even traded my old Outback for a new one—they came home in tears, bullied by their peers, kids who had to muck out cow stalls before school. My “playing small” wasn’t protecting anyone.

Each choice to blend in slowly eroded my sense of self. My children’s tears and our collective isolation made it painfully clear—I wasn’t just blending in; I was disappearing.

Reclaiming myself

Friends from my past life came to visit and reminded me of the person I had once been. Yes, I was sober, working on my black belt in karate, and physically healthier than before, but I wasn’t living authentically. This realization prompted change. I began making different choices: upgrading my wardrobe, caring about my appearance, getting a stylish haircut, joining a writing group, taking piano lessons, and enrolling my children in private school.

These decisions came with their own set of challenges. A neighbor asked:
“Now that your kids are in private school, will you deem to spend time with us?"

I responded, “Of course, don’t be silly,” but I felt a growing chasm in our relationship. At the same time, an intimate relationship ended—I had gone to another world, he said.

To navigate these shifts, I hired executive life coach Grant Calder—a high school friend living in Stockholm. Together, we worked to clarify my values, create a vision board, identify where I was stuck, and to develop a plan to move forward.

Understanding toxic dynamics

I bought a summer home in Newport to spend time with family while maintaining boundaries. But this brought a new kind of discomfort. People who had ignored me during my years as a struggling journalist and newspaper manager suddenly sought my friendship. My wealth had become my calling card, and the attention felt hollow.

My experiences in Newport reminded me of a client who had faced a similar dynamic. After generously supporting a friend—covering rent, food, and expenses—he discovered that what he thought was a friendship had turned into resentment. The friend became a self-appointed "spy," relaying negative comments others had made about my client. This dynamic exemplifies what Brené Brown calls "common enemy intimacy"—a false bond built on shared negativity. True connections elevate; toxic ones corrode trust and self-worth.

Building trust and reclaiming identity

The path to rebuilding trust and authenticity requires intentional steps:

1. Invest in relationships slowly: Use Brené Brown's BRAVING framework to evaluate trustworthiness. Watch how people reveal themselves over time before sharing vulnerabilities.

2. Center yourself in your values: Authenticity isn't about displaying or hiding wealth—it's about alignment with what matters to you.

3. Cultivate supportive communities: Connect with others who share similar experiences and circumstances.

4. Choose your confidants carefully: When interactions leave you feeling drained, used, or abused, it's time to reevaluate.

5. Establish clear boundaries: Do not do for others what they can do for themselves. You don’t always have to be the first to pick up the tab.

6. Decline relationships or situations that conflict with your values, even when past generosity or loyalty makes it difficult.

Finding your truth

Thomas Mann's character wore elegant clothes to mask his reality. I made myself plain and uninteresting to hide from mine. But in reclaiming my authenticity, I discovered that living truthfully is the greatest form of self-respect.

The question isn't whether judgment and envy will exist—they will. The question is: will you trust yourself enough to rise above them and live authentically?

If this resonates with you, and you’re ready to reclaim your authenticity, I invite you to learn more about my coaching practice. Currently, I’m all booked up, but I’ll be opening a few spots for new clients at the start of the new year. If you’d like to join the waitlist and be the first to know when spots become available, click here to sign up.

The money taboo: Why wealth can feel ugly to those who inherit it

Part 1 of 5: Beyond the Golden Ghetto

I remember sitting around the dinner table one Christmas, back when our family still gathered for the holidays, before the big court case that ended all that.

"It takes one generation to make it, one to spend it, and one to lose it," my uncle said, his voice carrying the weight of experience.

The table fell silent.

At the time, I thought my uncle had created our wealth. Later, I learned that he had built upon the wise investments our great-great-grandfather had made. Still, his words stayed with me, a reminder of wealth's fragility and the pressures it brings.

The pressure paradox

Billie Jean King famously said, "Pressure is a privilege." And she's right—when the pressure is just right. Imagine an upside-down bell curve. On the bottom left corner, there's no pressure: no motivation, no reason to get out of bed, no drive to engage with life's challenges.

As pressure rises, so does performance. This is the "sweet spot"—where challenge feels manageable and motivating. It's here that people thrive.

But beyond this sweet spot, the curve dips. Excessive pressure—rooted in shame, guilt, or impossible expectations—causes performance to falter. On the far right, individuals become so overwhelmed they can't perform at all. Depression, isolation, burnout, substance use, and emotional paralysis take hold.

This curve illustrates the paradox of privilege. Too little pressure, and individuals lose their sense of agency. Too much, and they crumble under unrealistic expectations. The key lies in finding that middle ground where pressure motivates but doesn't overwhelm.

The weight of inherited wealth

For individuals from wealthy intergenerational families, finding this sweet spot proves particularly challenging. The pressures they face are complex, compounding like interest in a bank account:

1. Isolation breeds difficulty finding friends who understand without judgment.

2. Privacy and trust issues create emotional walls of constant wariness.

3. Societal judgment demands proving one's worth and humility.

4. Self-worth struggles when wealth defines identity; and when well-meaning parents shield children from consequences.

5. Frequent international moves foster rootlessness, severing ties to place and community.

6. Mental health suffers as isolation and money enable addiction.

7. Conformity pressure clashes with some modern values.

8. Identity confusion taints achievements.

9. Financial decisions loom large despite advisors and planning.

10. Legacy expectations stifle personal dreams.

Yet, these pressures are symptoms of a deeper issue—the emotional foundation often missing in families.

The missing foundation

While many focus on identity and purpose—Maslow's higher needs—emotional safety must come first. Wealth often masks neglect through outsourced attachment, i.e. institutions and nannies.

Consider the four-year-old Russian girl in Gstaad who arrived each day alone to daycare by taxi. Her defiant behavior and tendency to run into traffic signaled deep distress. When her father, yachting in the Mediterranean, was contacted, he merely berated the teacher. In less privileged circumstances, social services would have intervened.

These historical attitudes have shaped a cultural legacy of secrecy and shame around wealth, a legacy still alive in modern-day interactions.

Historical legacy

Shame around wealth runs deep. Tokugawa Japan ranked merchants lowest. (Interestingly, it ranked samurai at the top (yay!), followed by farmers and craftsmen.)

Medieval Christianity prohibited usury and condemned profit. Consider the biblical quote: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” The "eye of the needle" was a gate in Jerusalem—to pass through, a camel had to kneel in humility and shed its bags, symbolizing attachments and character defects.

Even America's Gilded Age aristocrats' disdain for "new money" created secrecy around wealth that persists today. Emotionally damaged inheritors avoid engagement while nouveau riche miss key values for preservation.

Today’s reality

At a Newport party 20 years ago, an older man—who "never worked a day in his life"—sneered and said "I'm so sorry" when a family member announced his new job as an analyst at a prestigious real estate firm.

Just last week, a client, whose family fortune vanished through "misadventures and delusions, bad investments, carelessness," and who congratulated me for "having the courage to speak about this taboo" is now rebuilding his wealth. I am confident that through his industry and resolution, he’ll succeed and I root for him.

By the way, I mentioned last week that while I’m currently all booked up at the moment, I’m opening up a handful of spots to work with new clients at the start of the new year. I wanted to let you know that if you’re not already on the waitlist and this is something that you might be interested in, here’s the link to get yourself on the waitlist now.

Besides strained relationships, how money should be spent, saved, or given provide fertile ground for friction.

At 13, I discovered a book left by a British houseguest and read it in one day. It was called Class: A Guide Through the American Status System by Paul Fussell. The book confirmed what I innately knew that showing too much wealth was considered “declassé.”

But it’s not just it’s display. There is a more insidious aspect to wealth that undermines health. It’s called hyper-agency.

Hyper-agency—wealth's ability to avoid all friction—erodes resilience, as Dr. Paul Hokemeyer writes about. After my Gstaad neighbors fled rainy days by private jet, their house manager confided to me that the couple seemed perpetually miserable, seeking external solutions to internal problems.

Historical wisdom

Some historical figures recognized wealth’s dangers.

Michel de Montaigne’s father sent his young son to live with peasants, teaching simplicity and humility before returning to the château. This grounding influenced his later essays on how to live a meaningful life.

Similarly, in Confessions, Leo Tolstoy admires the common peasants he encountered in Russia. He found meaning in peasants' groundedness and resilience—qualities that eluded the elite of the day.

These lessons remain relevant. Shielding children from hardship and simplicity doesn’t prepare them for a meaningful life. Instead, it disconnects them from experiences that build self-worth and resilience.

This explains why rags-to-riches stories resonate: struggle fosters growth or antifragility.

The path forward

A man of simple beginnings, Benjamin Franklin, wrote about his favorite 13 Virtues—temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity and humility.

These virtues remind us that wealth need not define us—it can be a tool for growth. For example, industry and resolution can counter feelings of isolation, while frugality and order provide a framework for managing wealth responsibly.

Breaking taboos and to the horror of my friends, we used to discuss money as well as sex and politics at table. Mother taught more than checkbook balancing; she stressed only spending interest and not touching capital. Money in the hands of a woman was even seen as insurance against an abusive marriage. I later learned through experience that attachment bonds prove stronger than wealth.

The privilege paradox requires finding motivation's sweet spot—where pressure energizes rather than paralyzes

.

Money isn’t good or bad—it just magnifies the shame or willingness that’s already there.

The Pressures of Privilege: a new chapter

When I told my mother I was going to rename this blog, “The Pressures of Privilege” and start writing about money, she shuddered.

In families like mine, talking about money is taboo—yet it remains central to our lives, often cloaked in terms like "legacy," quietly dictating our choices, relationships, and responsibilities.

Why this change?

Since returning to Rhode Island from Switzerland, I've felt out of alignment. My journey has been unconventional: after seven years in journalism in the US, I spent 17 years in the Swiss Alps, where I connected with my late father's agrarian roots, worked for a community newspaper, and helped found a magazine. During this time, I got sober, identified my core values—mastery, empathy, and authenticity—and transitioned from journalism to coaching. I became an ICF-certified coach, wrote a yet-to-be-published book, and explored everything from finding purpose to navigating life as an Adult Third Culture Kid.

But something was still missing. Back in my mother's world, I found myself hiding and isolating.

Working with coaches to navigate this internal block, I began to question my limiting beliefs.

As I embraced my English-American heritage—a part of me that had felt disconnected for so long—something shifted.

Clients who shared my experience with inherited wealth began to find me, and for the first time, I felt genuine empathy for people facing similar challenges.

My unique perspective comes from being the daughter of a Swiss mountain guide and an American philanthropist and photojournalist. This dual heritage blends Swiss pragmatism with American optimism, old-world discretion with new-world transparency.

Three foundational pillars

As we explore The Pressures of Privilege, our discussions will center around:

1. Identity & Worth: Discover tools and strategies to define your authentic path, embrace your self-worth, and break free from the limitations of societal expectations.

2. Belonging & Well-Being: Learn how to cultivate deeper connections, improve your mental health, and build a support system that aligns with your values.

3. Responsibilities & Legacy: Gain clarity on balancing family expectations with personal vision while making a meaningful impact through your wealth.

To ground these pillars, I'm launching a three-part series called “Beyond the Golden Ghetto” which will explore:

1. The money taboo: why wealth can feel ugly to those who inherit it

2. When shame is the norm: unpacking love, abuse, and intimacy

3. Impostor syndrome in the world of privilege: who am I without my wealth?

This series is designed to provide you with fresh perspectives and actionable insights. These posts will offer practical steps to move forward with confidence.

Each part will share my unconventional perspective, addressing questions from clients and readers. After the New Year, I'll be opening a few coaching spots. While my current schedule is full, you can join the priority waitlist. Click here to to send an email with ‘YES’ in the the body and join the waitlist.

Moving forward together

These conversations aren't always comfortable, but they're necessary. My hope is that by writing about these topics, we can transform the pressures of privilege into opportunities for growth.

If my mother shudders again, I'll remind her: talking about money doesn't diminish its value—it adds context, clarity, and most importantly, humanity. It allows us to transform inherited privilege into intentional impact.

Whether you've been here since the beginning or are just discovering my work, I welcome your thoughts on this new direction. Please share this blog with others who might benefit from these conversations.

Stay tuned, I can’t wait to share this with you!

Here’s to this next chapter,