Geeking out on combining Tiny Habits and the Three Gears

Yes, I am a habit geek who feels I’m onto something.

When it comes to getting rid of unwanted habits, the language we use matters. BJ Fogg, the behavioral researcher and creator of the Tiny Habits method, prefers the term "unraveling" to "breaking" when it comes to getting rid of bad habits. It's a perspective shared by Dr. Jud Brewer, who emphasizes the roles of awareness, curiosity, and kindness in loosening the grip of bad habits.

Fogg's concept of "Pearl Habits" recognizes that some habits, like an irritating grain of sand in an oyster, can be transformed over time. The key, he suggests, is to identify the anchor or prompt, the behavior, and the reward - and then to find a way to disrupt the habit loop.

This is where Brewer's 3 Gears method comes in, which he breaks down into: awareness of the habit loop, disenchantment with the reward, and finding a deeper reward through mindfulness and curiosity.

Imagine applying this curious awareness to a "Pearl Habit." You notice the prompt, say: a worry loop (Brewer's first gear). Instead of continuing to engage in the worry loop, pause and get curious (Brewer's second gear). What does the worry feel like in your body? Tension in your chest? What need is the habit trying to meet? A need for control?

Here's the key: You might still give in to the craving and keep worrying. But you do so mindfully, fully aware of your experience. And as you investigate, you might start to find the old reward less appealing (Brewer's disenchantment). Constant worrying might give you a brief sense of control, but it’s only fleeting and is exhausting.

This process of disenchantment is gradual. It's not about perfect abstinence or instant replacement. It's about being aware again and again of the unpleasant bodily sensations, until the old habit starts to lose its grip.

Over time, as you continually bring curious awareness to the habit loop, you create space for new patterns to emerge (Brewer's third gear). Brewer says that curiosity can activate the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. Curiosity is what makes learning or exploring new things rewarding and motivating. Thanks to curiosity, you might discover deeper, more nourishing rewards - like a sense of peace, connection, or self-mastery.

This process is not linear. It's a dance of old and new, of slipping back and recommitting. But each moment of awareness is a small victory, a tiny untying of an old knot.

The key is to approach the process with patience and self-compassion. Curiosity, not harsh judgment, is the tool that unravels old patterns.

So the next time you find yourself in the grip of an unwanted habit, get curious and celebrate. Over time, the old habits will start to unravel, making space for new possibilities to emerge.

This is the power of curious awareness. It's a gentle, persistent force that can transform even the most stubborn habits. And it's available to us in every moment.

5 ways to find and fortify your values and empower your life

We’d all like to have more control over our lives and our destiny. But how can we make it happen?

Gandhi had said the following:

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”

In other words, if we want to create positive outcomes in our lives, we need to identify our core beliefs and then live them out. It sounds simple - but in practice, it can be anything but.  

A friend once told me he was against killing animals. Then, a year later, he said he was going on a bird hunt - a family tradition. Harvard University professors Drs. Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey talk about this integrity issue in their book Immunity to Change. They say that people will say one thing and do another—even if it is a life or death issue—because their genuine intention is not inline with their assumptions of who they are. In order for my friend to align his actions with his stated personal value, he would have to address his beliefs about who he is.

If we truly want to live out our values, we have to take action. As Simon Sinek says, values are verbs.  He says: “always tell the truth” has more ring to it than “be honest.” So in this case, saying: “never kill animals” would be better than “be against killing animals,” but being able to say that would require a change in core belief.

Determining our own values - so that we can live them out with integrity - is a process. Asking ourselves who we want to be, and watching how we actually act, take time. So I began writing this piece as a journey, exploring different ways to get clear on my own values. Here are six strategies I employed and found helpful - and I share them here in hopes that you might, as well. 

1. Identify your top ‘value verb’ and small changes you can make. Using my coaching school’s “Reorient Around Your Values” program, I selected 20 values from a predetermined list of mostly actions (verbs!). Then, I threw out those “values”  that were needs or things that I do in order to get something else, or things that don’t come easily (“shoulds”). My list narrowed to five: Beauty, To Catalyze, To Contribute, To Create, and Mastery. Then, I picked one of the five, “To Create” and came up with 10 life changes that were aligned with that value, such as “design a new garden,” “polish 5 piano pieces” “perfect 10-11 katas,” etc...  These changes could be done within the next 90 days. In a month or so, I plan to do the same thing with the other four values. 

2. List what you love - and hate - in yourself and others. Using google, I found self-assessments and a tip that recommended listing what I most despised in myself and others: (betrayals, dishonesty, cruelty, inefficiency/neglect, stupidity, pig-headedness, entitlement). And then identifying the opposites: fidelity, honesty, kindness, efficiency/care, good sense, open-mindedness, humility.

3. Revisit the wisdom of Stephen Covey. I reread Stephen Covey’s books and the parts on how our values should be principle-centered. Principles are immutable, laws of nature. In his books, Covey gives the example: you can’t sow your crops one day and expect to harvest them the next. We can’t change our behaviors, if we don’t know our beliefs, morals, and values, as best illustrated by his quote: “People can't live with change if there's not a changeless core inside them.”

4. Embrace Your Intuition. I hired leadership coach Vicki Haddock, who used a less cerebral, more meditative technique that connected me to my intuitive—or higher—self to identify what was important to me. My list was self-generated and a reflection of what I was feeling and thinking that day: Seek the truth, keep a big picture, be grateful, walk the talk, be courageous, assume the best in others, nurture, trust yourself, embrace serenity, beauty, be compassionate, and educate.

5. Start with Why. I attended a Simon Sinek “Start With Why” experiential webinar, read his book, and rewatched his popular Golden Circle Ted talk, during which he explains that the “Why” actually catalyzes people to action, not merely the “What” and “How.” I was paired up with another participant and we worked on each other’s messages. The webinar resulted in the following “why message:” “To help people learn the best versions of themselves so that they can live impactful and meaningful lives.” 

6. Think Like a Monk. I read Think like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day by Jay Shetty, in which he says to look at your calendar and at your expenses. Where you spend your time and your money can give you an idea of where your values lie. Look at your "wants" and write them down.Then ask yourself, why? Then question... do any of them not come easily? If so, they are probably "shoulds" and are therefore not values? Looking into my calendar, I found piano lessons and practices, runs, karate classes, dog walks, coaching sessions, and admin, indicating that I value creating, catalyzing, and mastering as well as health and connection.

Identifying our values can be a complex process - and living them out, even more so. But if we truly want to take control over our lives, it’s essential to get clear on what we care about - and what we can’t stand - so that at the end of the day, we’re living in integrity. 

Powerful productivity strategy recommended: How to leverage your ‘orphaned’ hours

Effective scheduling strategies, once reserved for the self-employed, are now crucial for professional creatives working from home. How can we—writers, architects, programmers, and designers —become more disciplined about the way we use our time, without sacrificing our creativity, when we’re already feeling burned out? That’s a question I’ve struggled with for years, and I set out to find an answer.

Stress is something my coaching clients and colleagues are reporting, caused partly by blurred boundaries between work and personal life. The benefits of technology, such as eradicated commute and travel times, have created the downside that we can hold meetings at odd hours and places, such as in our cars (to avoid waking up the family), extending work time into family and self-care time.

Working at home is plagued by increased interruptions. There is nothing more frustrating for a creative to have to switch gears once totally immersed and “in flow.” After discovering the difference between “manager schedules” and “maker schedules” thanks to an article by Dorie Clark, who introduced me to computer programmer Paul Graham’s post on the subject, I realized that the possibility of distractions made me unwilling to commit to writing in the first place. The half-day minimum was not enough for me. So, I started planning out my ideal week, dedicating entire days to my craft.

My Initial Strategy

My ideal week, I decided, would be split into three categories: self, work, and social/music. Within the work category, I applied what I learned from Clark and Graham. I turned two days into “maker days.” These would be for research and writing articles. I turned three-and-a-half days into “manager days” for appointments with clients, prospects, networking, professional development, and volunteering. I picked days these days around recurring appointments such as therapy, strength training and karate.

At first, it didn’t go as smoothly as I thought. After making Tuesday a “manager day”, I found it empty and I needed a day to go over the prior day’s writing. So, I turned it into a “maker day,” and converted my Saturday afternoon, which was reserved for the writing that I often missed due to admin, into “manager” time.

My Discovery 

Then, I found them. The orphans.

These were the sometimes present, odd, unclaimed, lone 45 unscheduled minutes. They were too short to do anything creative or to get into flow, but too long to just ignore. I wondered what to do with these outliers.

I looked at my commitments list. I had signed up for Dorie Clark’s Recognized Expert Course with its 50-plus hours of content to go through. I was enrolled in an IESE Business School financial accounting class. I realized that these commitments had been sources of stress, because I hadn’t been able to find the time to accomplish the course work. I had a lightbulb moment. Those “orphaned” hours were perfect for reading, and watching course lecture videos, and taking notes and quizzes. Yes! I would get through these courses after all!

A sense of relief overcame me. No, I didn’t have to sacrifice my free time to take those professional development courses. I could fit them into my workweek and keep my free time really free.

Now, I feel a sense of control and happiness when I look at my schedule and feel I’ve accounted for everything. Creating an ideal week and constantly updating it, helps me to juggle my commitments as well as my needs.

How would you, dear reader, apply this strategy to your calendar? Or what strategies have you used to deal with those orphaned minutes or hours? Why not schedule an introductory call if you are interested in working together to make your time even more productive and meaningful.

How professionals can build community and stay mentally healthy during the pandemic

The benefits of building community have been well proven, but often, we feel we don’t have time to do so outside our work and family obligations.

But there are serious mental health risks associated with not-disconnecting from work according to psychiatrist and addiction recovery specialist Dr. Constant Mouton. 

 "If work and/or family are your only community, then you get into trouble with things like burnouts," Mouton says. Family and work are important but they can't meet all of our social needs. If we rely too much on family or colleagues, we will miss out on opportunities for personal and professional growth. 

Burnout occurs when the feeling of overwhelm, emotional drain, inability to meet constant demands continues for six months or more and we begin to lose interest and motivation in certain roles that we took on in the first place. 

In the Netherlands, where Mouton works, people who have been experiencing serious stress for less than six months can apply for sick leave and are asked to participate in various coaching activities, including finding activities in communities.

“In the Netherlands, much is focused on self care, wellbeing, finding balance and finding communities that lighten your spirits and lighten your burden - like a counterforce to work,” he says.

Mouton’s lectures on the neurobiology of addiction and burnout are quite similar. "I can just as well use that same lecture for burnout because the biological ways and the roots are very similar to burnout. It's all sympathetic overload, you have to work with your parasympathetic nervous system. You have to do a lot of winding down and calming down, mindfulness."

Community outside of work and family is a choice and it provides us with—what Mouton refers to as—collective resilience. 

“The real difference is that family is a group of people who are closely related to one another by blood or marriage or adoption, or nowadays also by choice,” he says. “Community is often a choice.”

“By building these communities, in the same way that we build family relationships, we can actually access that collective resilience and strength in everything we do and all the work we do to overcome adversity, trauma, loss, discrimination, all of those things,” he says. “Both families and communities have a lot in common. They support us in finding connection with others and that helps us grow and develop and also heal. Families and communities are really an abundant resource for stories and shared beliefs. And that makes us understand our process in a current situation.”

Dr. Mouton is certified in a unique kind of interventions, working long-term and with total transparency, with families whose members suffer from addictions and various mental health issues. In his work, he uses a "5 to 1" ratio. It takes five care professionals to replace one family member. And the equivalent of a minimum of 3.3 family members are needed for successful outcomes during such interventions.

"If you help people find communities that can support them, that will help them process things and aid the recovery as well,” he says.

“The function of a community is about that connection, mutual support, social participation, cooperation, and it’s usually towards a certain goal,” Mouton says. 

“I just love the African proverb: ‘If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together” says the South African native.

Mouton recommends joining three different types of communities that are aimed at higher goals. "In finding them, look for groups that meet up with your core beliefs, but that also add something to your life in terms of what you like or what you aspire to be." Do something for your body, your mind, and your soul.

• Body-wise: running club, a gym or fitness or a judo, karate or whatever you're into.

• Mind: take up a hobby that kind of sparks your imagination, like art class or writing or something creative

• Spiritual: like yoga or meditation

“This way you cover all bases. It’s quite nice because you combine self-development with community,” he says. The rest and relaxation helps to disconnect from work and other obligations.

What if it feels like no one in your area has your interests, goals, norms, and values? 

A traditional community would be referred to as a collection of people within a geographical area, but Mouton says there that today thanks to technology, the community can be online.

"The community doesn't have to be local. You can also find things online. There's also more out there than you think. The first step is to always dare to be vulnerable and to look for the others that don't fit the mold. The internet is a wonderful resource for those kinds of things. Nowadays with modern technology, things like Zoom and platforms, you don't need to be limited by your geography.” 

Does one start with interests or values?

"You might start with interests and then work out the norms and values amongst each other. I think if you're an outsider who wants to join a community that's already there because the community has a life of its own. It's also an entity of its own. The norms and the values are there already.

"You find communities that have a common goal. It can be one that is trying to overcome a potential threat, like discrimination, "which is in the media of late." 

What if we are expats?

If you live in a foreign country, and depending on the cultural boundaries, you could ask for recommendations at work. “If you're an expat, it is best to start with expat communities and branch off from there.”

What if we are older than 29?

The older we get the more difficult it seems to make friends. When we are young we are "less inhibited" and that's got to do with the brain and prefrontal cortex development. "In our 40s, we become more reserved as we get older. We know ourselves better... So in a way, we get more particular with whom we want to be friends or not."

What if we are single?

Single people need not despair. It is a good thing to be individualistic and do your own thing whether you are single or in a relationship. 

"In the Netherlands, people often go out with friends and leave their partners at home and say, well, this is a friends' evening and I'll see you later. This is quite acceptable."

So join a running or a yoga club, take up a hobby, and something creative that you can do. All of this can help you live a richer, more resilient life and help you in both burnout prevention and cure. The basic resilience is there already.