What are standards and how to raise them to reach higher levels of confidence

We’ve all had the experience of coming across someone so beguilingly confident that we are left wondering how they got that way.

I came across such a person 15 years ago at a dinner party. The hostess had just offered me seconds. I was full, so I wanted to say “no,” yet I wanted to please her even more. So, ignoring my body, I said: “Sure, why not. Thank you.” After serving me the food, the hostess offered seconds to the beautiful 70-year-old woman seated next to me, who replied, “no, thank you,” with a calm certainty. Still smiling, the hostess moved on to the next guest.

The effect on me was powerful. I had never witnessed a “no” said with such serenity. In an instant, I yearned for this wise woman’s authenticity. I’ve often looked back on that moment and wondered how secure in herself she must have been. I’ve made progress on saying “no,” having worked on identifying and meeting my needs and establishing and maintaining boundaries. I now realize that for my “no” to come off with ease, it needs to be based on my personal standards.

Daniela Rusu is another person I met recently whom I admire for her high leadership standards. She is a certified professional coach, training designer, facilitator, and speaker based in the Lausanne area.

Born and raised in Vama, a hillside village in Romania, Daniela grew up under communism. At 11, she gave a speech — on her school’s contribution to a clean environment — in front of 2,500 people. At 18, she became a teacher. At 42, she got her Master’s in International Business Development from the University of Neuchâtel, after having enrolled in an organizational leadership program at the International Institute for Management Development (IMD), where she developed a branding project for Cisco Systems.

Now she is helping people become better leaders and coaching corporate executives. She says her leadership experience as a child under communism may have helped her become what she is today.

“It was a lot like the scouts. Every school was a unit and had its own commander who was elected from the top students. People believed in me.”

The people chose her, because until grade eight, Daniela had had the best grades, had performed in competitions in the town’s traditional dance group and had been reciting poetry. She had shown the people that she was someone who did her best and who engaged herself in the cultural life of her community. She had stepped up and had exhibited high standards.

WHAT ARE STANDARDS?

Standards are not “shoulds,” but rather something so automatic that they are ingrained in the self.

“A standard is a must,” says Daniela. “I have this saying:

“Tell me what you’ll settle for and I’ll tell you what your standards are.’ Sometimes you settle, you make compromises, and you die inside.”

“A value is also extremely important, but you aren’t going to pursue it actively,” Daniela says. “I work with what’s real for you and what’s true for you. We go towards your joy and what brings you satisfaction. When you know you are in line with your values and your purpose, then everything aligns.”

HOW DO STANDARDS DIFFER FROM BOUNDARIES?

“Boundaries set your territory and are based on your standards. The higher your standards are, the more clear and strong your boundaries will be. It’s all linked to self-esteem and what you believe about yourself. Lower standards allow others to pass through your boundaries, going in and out as they please. They allow you to be manipulated, stretched and pushed, because you don’t stand up for yourself. These are the inner standards: ‘Sometimes I am so confident in myself that I don’t even need boundaries, because they come automatically.’ Explicit boundaries are needed when you aren’t sure and you need to protect yourself.”

HOW DO YOU RAISE YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS?

“The first thing that I do with clients is to look at the Wheel of Life and ask them to assess their level of satisfaction in all the areas of their lives. Standards are a reflection of how we see ourselves. It all boils down to who you think you are. What is your self-image? What do you believe about yourself? For me, it’s a threshold. What do you allow? What do you allow others? What do you allow yourself?

“I ask clients how they see the world, what mindsets they have, and how they relate. For me it doesn’t matter if the standards are low or high; what I am most interested in is from where the standards originate.

“Every time you need to raise standards, the question is: Who do you think you are to have that standard at that level? And who do you become to raise it to that level? It’s good to have role models.

“Another thing that I have learned is that we cannot admire people who inspire us — nor admire their qualities — if we don’t already have those qualities in ourselves. Interestingly, we can only see things that we know and have a reference for. The same is true for judgments, both positive and negative. When we judge something in somebody else, we have that thing within ourselves.”

CAN YOU PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE OF STANDARDS IN YOUR OWN LIFE?

“When I was pregnant, I would not allow myself to get stressed at my job. It was not about me — it was about the baby. I did everything on time, but one client complained that I wasn’t stressed enough. She thought it meant I was not working. Some people have to see you running around like a headless chicken, sweating, to think that you are working. To this client, the fact that I was serene meant that I didn’t do much. In my work, I see we have developed a culture, in which people have to be busy to have value and to be important.”

Daniela is a role model and a wise coach. What a pleasure it was talking to a person with such inner strength.

Now, when the hostess offers me seconds and my stomach is full, I automatically respond from: “I am someone who takes extremely good care of myself, and I eat until I am 80% full.”

Now… if I could just be someone who meditates every morning without fail…

Daniela Rusu is certified with the International Coach Federation (ICF). She uses neuropsychology and neurobiology principles, the Energy Freedom Technique (EFT), neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), non-violent communication and mindfulness methods. She has trained in interpersonal and organizational communications and management, and international business development.