Breaking free of the gilded cage

Part 5 of 5: Beyond the Golden Ghetto

"This village can be a gilded cage," the pastor said. She sat in my living room in the Swiss Alps, holding a mug of warm herbal tea. It had been an intense but liberating hour. I had been sharing my fifth step—a part of the recovery process—a kind of confession delving into one’s moral inventory, focusing on resentments, the causes, how we were affected, our part in each cause, and our fears. When I described my problem with living in the idyllic place I lived—as suffocating—she had made that statement.

Her words struck a chord bringing me back to childhood. When I was around four or five, I enjoyed exploring the rooms of the French castle where we had moved to a few years prior from the Swiss Alps when my parents separated.

From the silk-covered Louis XVI loveseat, I loved playing with a golden cage that sat on a marble side table. Inside, a bird perched, its feathers real, its beak perfect—but it sat frozen, as if caught mid-song. I reached out and lifted the cage, and twisted a windup knob underneath. It reminded me of the music box in my old room back in the mountains. The bird came alive. Its beak opened, its head turned, and it chirped. It seemed so real.

But even then, I knew it wasn’t real.

The gilded cage: ornate, beautiful, and intricate. It captivates the eye, but inside sits a mechanical, confined, controlled creature.

Wealth can feel much the same. It is beautiful, alluring, enticing. But in reality, it holds shame, expectations, and burdens.

In this fifth and final post of the Beyond the Golden Ghetto series, I invite you to explore how you might escape the gilded cage.

The silent weight of shame

Having shame is better than being shameless. John Bradshaw, as cited by Jessie O’Neill in her book The Golden Ghetto, writes in his book Healing the Shame That Binds You that shamelessness occurs when a person denies or represses shame so much that they behave in a grandiose, arrogant, “better than,” moralizing, or patronizing way. Such people will often be the first to declare that they feel no shame. They will also rage, transferring their shame onto others.

There are two types of shame. Healthy shame temporarily lowers pride, reminding us of our fallibility and encouraging us to be humble. It provides an opportunity to grow. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is the core feeling that there is something intrinsically wrong with us. Bradshaw explains that toxic shame stems from unmet and invalidated childhood emotional needs. Key causes include perfectionism, neglect or abuse, enmeshment, and codependency. Enmeshment, for example, occurs when individuals feel responsible for the emotions of others, i.e., a child feels responsible for satisfying their parent’s emotional needs. Bradshaw also describes how shame can bind to other feelings—so whenever one experiences any emotion, shame immediately follows.

There are specific beliefs around affluence that feed into toxic shame. One such belief is that for someone to be rich, others must be poor. For example, my attempt to blend in with my neighbors in the Swiss Alps—which I wrote about recently—was driven by the knowledge that my neighbors had this belief.

This belief that one is benefitting at the expense of others creates guilt. For inheritors, the guilt is extreme.

“Because inheritance is entirely passive, it bypasses guilt and becomes shame,” writes O’Neill.

“I don’t experience shame,“ you might say. But if you tense up when people come to visit and your home is a mess, you are experiencing shame.

O’Neill writes, “Wealthy people often feel compelled to prove to the world that they are, in fact, ‘working’; e.g., the society matron’s hectic philanthropic activities, a wealthy heir creating and going to an ‘office’ or studio that is totally useless or unnecessary.”

But what is the definition of work? Work is “activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.” By this definition, staying home to care for children, managing investments, or working on one’s mental health is indeed “work.” Yet many of my clients feel shame that they are not working because they lack a traditional job or entrepreneurial pursuit. These same clients, however, manage family lives, stay present for their children, and oversee multiple fund managers—all of which require significant effort and purpose. Their belief surrounding their worth is dictated by doing—not being. This impacts their happiness.

Many times, boyfriends have told me to “get a job” because they wanted me to be like them. They failed to see what I do on a daily basis.

“The main function of shame becomes to drive us—away from knowledge of our true selves,” writes O’Neill. “Because we believe we are flawed beyond redemption, it becomes a matter of survival for us to create a false sense of self.”

This sense of self often doesn't develop properly in wealthy families, especially if they are raised by surrogate caretakers who aren't given full discretion to set boundaries. A child who grows up without limits is likely to develop toxic shame. I was fortunate—our nanny had total discretion to raise me, setting limits and boundaries, and she did so 24/7. She was incredibly strict.

Most caregivers are not given full discretion to discipline children and avoid responding when a child acts out, depriving them of the opportunity to learn how to regulate emotions. A lack of response leaves a child without healthy emotional patterns to model. There is nothing worse than seeing a 50-year-old behave like a 2-year-old.

On the other spectrum, harsh punishment for expressing feelings is incredibly damaging. This is how emotions become stuffed. How many times do women in wealthy families hear: “Being angry is unladylike.”

Teenagers struggle today in finding out who they are. In today’s “reinventing yourself” culture, Instagram-perfect lifestyles that include sexualized bodies often encourage creating a false sense of self. It’s a kind of capitalistic objectification of a false self.

So how do you deal with shame?

With empathy and illumination. Cast light on it. Even the Bible uses scars as a symbol of healing shame. When Jesus shows his crucifixion scars to his disciples, this shows that such scars can be a source of redemption. Scars are testimonies of healing and growth and transformation. They can be used to inspire and help others. I’m not a particularly religious person, but this aspect of the Bible is lovely. I love that God sees these wounds as evidence of healing and vulnerability, not shame.

Echoing this theme in a more secular explanation, shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown observes, “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

Similarly, O’Neill writes, “Toxic shame can only prosper in the darkness of the unexamined mind and the unexpressed heart. When we bring it into the light, look at it, and tell the truth about it, eventually it can no longer hold us in its power.”

Another thing to get rid of shame is boundaries. Remember: boundaries are meant to keep you safe, but not control others.

Basically, every time you hear “should”—stop! Replace it with “could” or “get to.” Observe how your body responds to replacing the word.

“When we give because we feel as if we have to, or we should, our emotional state becomes clouded, angry, and tinged with resentment and shame,” writes O’Neill. “Shoulds are irrevocably tied with shame.”

Breaking free from the silent weight of shame requires us to name it, examine it, and expose it to the light of empathy. Only then can we begin to reclaim our true selves. And this means, we can now explore shame’s cousin: impostor syndrome and how we believe others see us. The two often hang together, especially for those with inherited wealth.

Impostor Syndrome

In 1978, psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes first identified Impostor Syndrome in their groundbreaking paper. They described it as the psychological pattern in which one downplays their achievements and believes that they are secretly a fraud undeserving of their accolades. While their research initially focused on high-achieving women, particularly white middle- to upper-class women between the ages of 20 and 45, we now know this experience transcends gender.

For those with inherited wealth, impostor syndrome becomes a big problem. The question isn't just "Do I deserve my success?" When your security comes through inheritance rather than through your own efforts, the fraud feelings are real. Each time you achieve something, such as getting into a school or landing an internship, you question your achievement.

This leads to either working yourself until burnout, as I did, or withdrawing entirely. When I became manager of my mother's newspaper at 25, I had to overcompensate, working myself to exhaustion to prove my worth. And more recently, I've also withdrawn, fearing that anything I might do in the realm of coaching and consultancy might confirm my perceived inadequacy. Both reactions stem from the same root: my struggle to separate my worth from my family's financial reputation.

But perhaps I've been asking the wrong questions. A powerful perspective comes from Morgan Housel, author of The Psychology of Money. In a recent conversation with Andrew Huberman, he suggested examining our lives through the lens of future regrets. Write your obituary, he suggests. Will it mention the size of your house? How hard you worked? Or will it celebrate a life rich with experiences, meaningful relationships, and positive impact? I'd rather be remembered for having lived a long life filled with exercise and great times with friends and family, for having loved and helped my family, for helping children connect to the arts and healing, and for protecting the environment.

Finding meaning in your life might be the key to breaking free. But first, we need to address another aspect of the gilded cage - one that becomes particularly apparent in our closest relationships.

The weight of wealth in relationships

The gilded cage reveals itself most clearly in romantic relationships. As O'Neill observes, many men struggle with women who have greater financial resources than them. This discomfort often manifests in subtle ways—like my experiences with one boyfriend who suggested I "get a job," despite my writing a book, coaching, running a charitable foundation, managing three homes, and parenting two children alone. Often such men feel shame when describing their girlfriends to their friends.

Despite all the advances in the workplace, society still has expectations about gender and power. Men are still seen as the providers, and when that role is challenged by women with wealth, some men will try to control women.

And then comes the complication of not wanting to diminish a man’s masculinity by paying for stuff but wanting to be generous. In my experience, paying for men only decreases their self-esteem. And a man without self-esteem is not someone any of us would want to share a life with.

When partners suggest that our work isn't "real" or that we need to conform to traditional employment models, it feeds into the toxic shame that questions our worth beyond our wealth. It's another bar in the gilded cage—the expectation that we should somehow make ourselves smaller to fit societal expectations of gender roles.

To break free from this aspect of the cage, know in your heart that you have value beyond your wealth. Set boundaries around money. Find partners who don't have limiting beliefs around privilege and are secure enough to accept a woman with money. If they have a chip on their shoulder, run. Recognize that managing wealth IS real work. Build relationships based on mutual respect. Don't hide your wealth. Find ways to be authentic. Acknowledge the difficulties around money and relationships.

The burden of administrative overload

At the end of the day, managing the practical realities of wealth will not go away and this can feel like a type of cage. From managing trusts and investments to overseeing properties and philanthropic projects, the administrative burden can overwhelm even the most organized individuals. And this burden triggers our need for control, our trust issues, and our need for integrity.

If you are a control freak, like I am, the idea of letting strangers pay your bills or having access to your bank accounts is too scary. I also have a hard time letting others do things for me.

One client said he didn’t like to be reliant on others. I get it. Here’s how you can manage the load:

• Delegate but create checks and balances: One client had one firm handle his investments, accounting, and legal work and then found out that things weren’t as he thought they were. As convenient as it might be, keep everything separate, making sure communication is happening between the firms. When hiring a financial advisor, ensure they are SEC registered, custodial banks have high credit ratings, adhere to fiduciary standards, and have no conflicts of interest or formal complaints against them.

• Prioritize: What are the consequences if you don’t do something? Number tasks by consequence. For example, if you don’t file your taxes, you’ll have to pay fines. If you don’t take care of home maintenance, you might end up with leaks and damage.

• Align decisions with personal values: What’s important to you? Is it preserving your family’s legacy, protecting the environment, teaching people to fish, or preserving cultural heritage? To clarify these priorities, consider hiring a coach or mentor to guide you.

• Identify what you are good at doing: Delegate the tasks you’re not good at or don’t enjoy. Focus on what you excel at and let others handle the rest.

Simplification as liberation

In my old Life in the Swiss Alps blog, I wrote about simplification. The Swiss have limited space, and even the graves get dug up after 25 years to make room for the new dead. But if you think about it… the dead indigenous Americans would be burned with all of their possessions. Leave no trace. They didn’t want to leave burdens on the next generation.

I’m not suggesting that you burn all of your possessions, but simplifying can help you reclaim a sense of self. A favorite saying The Minimalists say: “Love people, use things, because the opposite never works."

During Thanksgiving, my daughter and I watched the Marie Kondo series. I had actually read her book many years ago. Decluttering physical spaces is a wonderful way to gain clarity and peace. The same goes with our calendars and our emotional baggage. I am writing down all of my resentments and fears, and working through them with a mentor.

Creating intentional routines becomes a form of liberation. Like chefs who clean as they cook, we can maintain order without becoming overwhelmed. I have a repeating task that says: log into Quickbooks and categorize 10 transactions. Guess what? This is the first year that my tax info will be ready on time!

Breaking free: from Gilded Cage to open sky

As Jessie O’Neill writes in the "Golden Ghetto,” finding peace and serenity isn’t about rejecting affluence and inherited wealth but using it with intention and purpose.

The gilded cage that once held me in Gstaad has become a launching point rather than a prison. Like that mechanical bird from my childhood, we too can transform from merely mimicking life to truly living it. The cage's gold need not confine us – it can become the foundation from which we soar.

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I wanted to tell him...

I’m torn. I'm grappling with a sense of disloyalty.

Here’s this guy—warm, affable, giving, and receptive—giving me a tour of the construction site for his Costa Rican dream house, perched above the Pacific Ocean. Yet, within me, a surge of indignation tightens in my chest.

“This is our daughter’s room,” he says. “She’s the surfer, so she gets this incredible view of the break.”

With a sweeping gesture of his arms, he directs my attention to a peerless panorama framed by the gap in the concrete wall. This is where the glass windows will go. He’s right. It’s an incredible sight, an unobstructed view of the waves crashing on the rocky shore 100 yards away.

“Truly an extraordinary view,” I say.

I don’t have the heart to tell him that I would never build a house in Costa Rica with glass windows. The whole point of living here is to coexist harmoniously with nature. You don’t need air conditioning if you live in a well-designed house that breathes and there are trees around.

We’re in an American-style development that was planned before Costa Rican zoning laws curbed shoreline construction. There’s no shade, as they’ve felled every tree. Large concrete houses, like this one, line the coast on half-acre lots.

Then, like a blow to the gut, he says the following:  

“I’ve bought 75 acres of forest a few miles inland, where we're planning to build 50 houses. It's a sizable undertaking.”

Not long before, he had said: “The rat race in the USA is so unhealthy.”

I want to tell him: You're bringing the American rat race down here.

Instead, I ask: “But is it necessary to develop that forest?”

“I need to in order to pay for this house," he says.

I want to tell him: You’re not rich enough to build your McMansion.

Instead, I restrain myself and retreat home.

It astounds me how that I can still like this guy and hold him in high regard despite finding myself at odds with his actions. I suppose his attributes of kindness, friendliness, generosity, and openness, are enough to harmonize my sentiments concerning him. I wonder if any of this could be applied to the current political division in our country…

Powerful productivity strategy recommended: How to leverage your ‘orphaned’ hours

Effective scheduling strategies, once reserved for the self-employed, are now crucial for professional creatives working from home. How can we—writers, architects, programmers, and designers —become more disciplined about the way we use our time, without sacrificing our creativity, when we’re already feeling burned out? That’s a question I’ve struggled with for years, and I set out to find an answer.

Stress is something my coaching clients and colleagues are reporting, caused partly by blurred boundaries between work and personal life. The benefits of technology, such as eradicated commute and travel times, have created the downside that we can hold meetings at odd hours and places, such as in our cars (to avoid waking up the family), extending work time into family and self-care time.

Working at home is plagued by increased interruptions. There is nothing more frustrating for a creative to have to switch gears once totally immersed and “in flow.” After discovering the difference between “manager schedules” and “maker schedules” thanks to an article by Dorie Clark, who introduced me to computer programmer Paul Graham’s post on the subject, I realized that the possibility of distractions made me unwilling to commit to writing in the first place. The half-day minimum was not enough for me. So, I started planning out my ideal week, dedicating entire days to my craft.

My Initial Strategy

My ideal week, I decided, would be split into three categories: self, work, and social/music. Within the work category, I applied what I learned from Clark and Graham. I turned two days into “maker days.” These would be for research and writing articles. I turned three-and-a-half days into “manager days” for appointments with clients, prospects, networking, professional development, and volunteering. I picked days these days around recurring appointments such as therapy, strength training and karate.

At first, it didn’t go as smoothly as I thought. After making Tuesday a “manager day”, I found it empty and I needed a day to go over the prior day’s writing. So, I turned it into a “maker day,” and converted my Saturday afternoon, which was reserved for the writing that I often missed due to admin, into “manager” time.

My Discovery 

Then, I found them. The orphans.

These were the sometimes present, odd, unclaimed, lone 45 unscheduled minutes. They were too short to do anything creative or to get into flow, but too long to just ignore. I wondered what to do with these outliers.

I looked at my commitments list. I had signed up for Dorie Clark’s Recognized Expert Course with its 50-plus hours of content to go through. I was enrolled in an IESE Business School financial accounting class. I realized that these commitments had been sources of stress, because I hadn’t been able to find the time to accomplish the course work. I had a lightbulb moment. Those “orphaned” hours were perfect for reading, and watching course lecture videos, and taking notes and quizzes. Yes! I would get through these courses after all!

A sense of relief overcame me. No, I didn’t have to sacrifice my free time to take those professional development courses. I could fit them into my workweek and keep my free time really free.

Now, I feel a sense of control and happiness when I look at my schedule and feel I’ve accounted for everything. Creating an ideal week and constantly updating it, helps me to juggle my commitments as well as my needs.

How would you, dear reader, apply this strategy to your calendar? Or what strategies have you used to deal with those orphaned minutes or hours? Why not schedule an introductory call if you are interested in working together to make your time even more productive and meaningful.

How professionals can build community and stay mentally healthy during the pandemic

The benefits of building community have been well proven, but often, we feel we don’t have time to do so outside our work and family obligations.

But there are serious mental health risks associated with not-disconnecting from work according to psychiatrist and addiction recovery specialist Dr. Constant Mouton. 

 "If work and/or family are your only community, then you get into trouble with things like burnouts," Mouton says. Family and work are important but they can't meet all of our social needs. If we rely too much on family or colleagues, we will miss out on opportunities for personal and professional growth. 

Burnout occurs when the feeling of overwhelm, emotional drain, inability to meet constant demands continues for six months or more and we begin to lose interest and motivation in certain roles that we took on in the first place. 

In the Netherlands, where Mouton works, people who have been experiencing serious stress for less than six months can apply for sick leave and are asked to participate in various coaching activities, including finding activities in communities.

“In the Netherlands, much is focused on self care, wellbeing, finding balance and finding communities that lighten your spirits and lighten your burden - like a counterforce to work,” he says.

Mouton’s lectures on the neurobiology of addiction and burnout are quite similar. "I can just as well use that same lecture for burnout because the biological ways and the roots are very similar to burnout. It's all sympathetic overload, you have to work with your parasympathetic nervous system. You have to do a lot of winding down and calming down, mindfulness."

Community outside of work and family is a choice and it provides us with—what Mouton refers to as—collective resilience. 

“The real difference is that family is a group of people who are closely related to one another by blood or marriage or adoption, or nowadays also by choice,” he says. “Community is often a choice.”

“By building these communities, in the same way that we build family relationships, we can actually access that collective resilience and strength in everything we do and all the work we do to overcome adversity, trauma, loss, discrimination, all of those things,” he says. “Both families and communities have a lot in common. They support us in finding connection with others and that helps us grow and develop and also heal. Families and communities are really an abundant resource for stories and shared beliefs. And that makes us understand our process in a current situation.”

Dr. Mouton is certified in a unique kind of interventions, working long-term and with total transparency, with families whose members suffer from addictions and various mental health issues. In his work, he uses a "5 to 1" ratio. It takes five care professionals to replace one family member. And the equivalent of a minimum of 3.3 family members are needed for successful outcomes during such interventions.

"If you help people find communities that can support them, that will help them process things and aid the recovery as well,” he says.

“The function of a community is about that connection, mutual support, social participation, cooperation, and it’s usually towards a certain goal,” Mouton says. 

“I just love the African proverb: ‘If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together” says the South African native.

Mouton recommends joining three different types of communities that are aimed at higher goals. "In finding them, look for groups that meet up with your core beliefs, but that also add something to your life in terms of what you like or what you aspire to be." Do something for your body, your mind, and your soul.

• Body-wise: running club, a gym or fitness or a judo, karate or whatever you're into.

• Mind: take up a hobby that kind of sparks your imagination, like art class or writing or something creative

• Spiritual: like yoga or meditation

“This way you cover all bases. It’s quite nice because you combine self-development with community,” he says. The rest and relaxation helps to disconnect from work and other obligations.

What if it feels like no one in your area has your interests, goals, norms, and values? 

A traditional community would be referred to as a collection of people within a geographical area, but Mouton says there that today thanks to technology, the community can be online.

"The community doesn't have to be local. You can also find things online. There's also more out there than you think. The first step is to always dare to be vulnerable and to look for the others that don't fit the mold. The internet is a wonderful resource for those kinds of things. Nowadays with modern technology, things like Zoom and platforms, you don't need to be limited by your geography.” 

Does one start with interests or values?

"You might start with interests and then work out the norms and values amongst each other. I think if you're an outsider who wants to join a community that's already there because the community has a life of its own. It's also an entity of its own. The norms and the values are there already.

"You find communities that have a common goal. It can be one that is trying to overcome a potential threat, like discrimination, "which is in the media of late." 

What if we are expats?

If you live in a foreign country, and depending on the cultural boundaries, you could ask for recommendations at work. “If you're an expat, it is best to start with expat communities and branch off from there.”

What if we are older than 29?

The older we get the more difficult it seems to make friends. When we are young we are "less inhibited" and that's got to do with the brain and prefrontal cortex development. "In our 40s, we become more reserved as we get older. We know ourselves better... So in a way, we get more particular with whom we want to be friends or not."

What if we are single?

Single people need not despair. It is a good thing to be individualistic and do your own thing whether you are single or in a relationship. 

"In the Netherlands, people often go out with friends and leave their partners at home and say, well, this is a friends' evening and I'll see you later. This is quite acceptable."

So join a running or a yoga club, take up a hobby, and something creative that you can do. All of this can help you live a richer, more resilient life and help you in both burnout prevention and cure. The basic resilience is there already.